Looking up while walking down the street is great. There isn’t much else to say. Those skyscrapers are so tall. There is a certain empowerment that I can only feel in these moments. The effort to build something that a hundred years ago seemed impossible is not an achievement I can ignore. Just think about it! Taller than any structure ever conceived of by the great Roman engineers. An aesthetic that is both physically and intellectually overpowering, on a level greater than any of the master Renaissance painters have ever achieved. I’m filled with so much energy I feel as though I’ve grown to the size of these buildings, ready to live a life so massive that no barrier is enough to stop its flood of passion. All I can think of is what can be achieved, what I can do next to get that much closer to my own success!
And then I look down. I shrink. I’m no larger than the people around me. Totally normal, totally boring. The buildings around confine me. Trap me. I cannot escape the normalcy. There are so many people stopping for their morning coffee and commenting on the sunny weather and how they really don’t want to go to the holiday party tomorrow. Certainly no mention of how they’re one step closer to reaching their dreams. If I even bother to ask a stranger “what is your passion today?” as casually as “how are you today?”, I’ll only be laughed at. It would be like I asked when their birthday is. After all, only an eccentric would try to find life. Better to be pragmatic and a little happy! When failure comes crashing down, it can only hurt, they say.
So I look up again. I’m living once more, no longer shrunk to the level of the passionless. Maybe one day I’ll walk right into someone else looking up. Then I will know that I have found a person who wants to live as much as I do.
Showing posts with label Vignettes: December. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vignettes: December. Show all posts
December 24, 2009
December 19, 2009
The Good Life
Why am I even here?
The music is loud and passionate, it makes me feel so alive. But as soon as it stops, the empowerment I get from the steady beat is gone. I pop the champagne and the next moment my friends and I are laughing as though it is the best day of our lives. But as soon as we finish it, the self-discovery in my own happiness stops. I dance with all of my closest friends, it expresses my true desire to live in the most honest of actions. But as soon as I stop for a moment, all that remains is a desire without a purpose.
I’ve vaguely known of these conflicted emotions for years. Only now have they become real. The bright yellow and green lights hit my eyes, illuminating all the dance floors I have and will ever stand on. What was at one point invisible and unknowable became fully focused and certain. I am quite literally enlightened, having discovered, finally, what my life was missing.
I am here because living a good life is not left to the realm of the divine. What I did not realize is I already intimately knew the good. I merely refused to accept that simple fact. Nothing was ever missing, just ignored. The gaps of joy were nothing more than a feeling of guilt for seeing the starry and heavenly lights, feeling the party heartbeat and tasting the best champagne in the world.
Is this vanity? If it is, it’s about time I’ve looked for more.
The music is loud and passionate, it makes me feel so alive. But as soon as it stops, the empowerment I get from the steady beat is gone. I pop the champagne and the next moment my friends and I are laughing as though it is the best day of our lives. But as soon as we finish it, the self-discovery in my own happiness stops. I dance with all of my closest friends, it expresses my true desire to live in the most honest of actions. But as soon as I stop for a moment, all that remains is a desire without a purpose.
I’ve vaguely known of these conflicted emotions for years. Only now have they become real. The bright yellow and green lights hit my eyes, illuminating all the dance floors I have and will ever stand on. What was at one point invisible and unknowable became fully focused and certain. I am quite literally enlightened, having discovered, finally, what my life was missing.
I am here because living a good life is not left to the realm of the divine. What I did not realize is I already intimately knew the good. I merely refused to accept that simple fact. Nothing was ever missing, just ignored. The gaps of joy were nothing more than a feeling of guilt for seeing the starry and heavenly lights, feeling the party heartbeat and tasting the best champagne in the world.
Is this vanity? If it is, it’s about time I’ve looked for more.
December 16, 2009
Passion
I’ll just go along with my passions and it’ll be okay. There is always a beginning to success, and this is it. I had a dream, now I’ll live it. I’m not guilty of inaction, I’m guilty of realizing the future begins here. I’ll forget about what I didn’t do, I’ll think about what I will do. I can show the world who I am. When they ask “Who are you to hope for so much”, I will answer “I am me”. Nothing can stop the power of art. When it is only me and my art, there is only happiness and fame. The inner fame that is self-confidence. The happiness of living in my freedom of expression. No one can shackle me. I am the only person holding myself in a keyless prison of stagnation. Follow the passion. Nothing can stop me now.
Move
It’s time to move.
I want to go, it’s the only way to live the new self.
Lively and heart pumping. That’s what is needed.
Here, unlikely.
There, definite.
So it’s time to move.
Change is an action, not an event.
Physical relocation, what better change is there?
To remain static will be a stagnation of existence.
Intellectually or otherwise.
So it’s time to move.
I want to go, it’s the only way to live the new self.
Lively and heart pumping. That’s what is needed.
Here, unlikely.
There, definite.
So it’s time to move.
Change is an action, not an event.
Physical relocation, what better change is there?
To remain static will be a stagnation of existence.
Intellectually or otherwise.
So it’s time to move.
Alive
So amazing. So great. Nothing bad. Just alive. That’s the only way to live.
Hold back? No need to stay down. It only ends up with emotional annihilation.
Pleasure is bad? Since when? Just because people say so doesn’t make it so.
Happiness is acceptance? Only if it is the acceptance of yourself.
I can’t be pulled down. The passion is too strong.
I can’t be discouraged. The path to life is all too clear.
What’s the meaning of life?
To live.
Hold back? No need to stay down. It only ends up with emotional annihilation.
Pleasure is bad? Since when? Just because people say so doesn’t make it so.
Happiness is acceptance? Only if it is the acceptance of yourself.
I can’t be pulled down. The passion is too strong.
I can’t be discouraged. The path to life is all too clear.
What’s the meaning of life?
To live.
December 15, 2009
Dreamless
He had no dream. He had no passion. He liked doing things though. It was just easier to be passionless and dreamless. Anything too different was his phobia. The habit of seeing a good movie every week was enough. Reading ten page of a good book each day was plenty to make him smile. If he kept doing this, he thought, life will be simple and happy. No sadness. Why have a dream if you’re happy as it is? Dreams are just work. Work is stress. Stress is bad. Dreams are therefore bad.
In the depths of his emotions he knew he was just avoiding responsibility. Avoiding life. Avoiding pleasure. Happy is a good feeling. But what is passion? What is pleasure? What is a dream, really? What does that feel like? He was too afraid to find out. The simple, basic and bare minimum life was fine. “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it" was his mantra. Keeping everything the same was easier, nothing could go wrong. It is a flawless method that has worked for millions of people for thousands of years. The unexamined life is the flawless life. After all, flaws can only be discovered upon examination. He felt like his life only consisted of mindlessness, but that was okay for him. Why worry about what cannot be seen?
In the depths of his emotions he knew he was just avoiding responsibility. Avoiding life. Avoiding pleasure. Happy is a good feeling. But what is passion? What is pleasure? What is a dream, really? What does that feel like? He was too afraid to find out. The simple, basic and bare minimum life was fine. “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it" was his mantra. Keeping everything the same was easier, nothing could go wrong. It is a flawless method that has worked for millions of people for thousands of years. The unexamined life is the flawless life. After all, flaws can only be discovered upon examination. He felt like his life only consisted of mindlessness, but that was okay for him. Why worry about what cannot be seen?
December 14, 2009
Punk Piano
“No, you’re not supposed to wear that.”
“Why not?”
“Look at it, there’s a skull on your shirt. And there are spikes on your shoes… You think anyone would accept a piano player like that? You’re great at what you do, but everyone has to make a few small sacrifices to make it big. I want help you become greater than Mozart, but you need to take my advice. The concert is huge, so everything has to be just right.”
“Since when have I ever cared about what people thought about my clothes? Don’t you remember that’s how you discovered me? Need I tell you that a punk shirt like this and my gothic shoes are what made you want to listen to me in the first place? I came by your office, even though I knew you took no appointments. You laughed when you saw me, but you asked me to play because you thought I’d be a joke. But you were going crazy with enthusiasm after I played. You thought I was the future of music, thought that I was revolutionary. How can I become famous if I do what people have done for decades?”
“The masses are the masses, no matter what the market is. The masses can’t tolerate anything too different, you know that. I put up with your antics since I met you a year ago just so I can take you to this concert. Unless you wear a suit, tie and Italian designer shoes, people will think you’re just punk trash and immediately tune out your music. Conforming to a fashion style is a small price to pay, don’t make such a big deal. Just wear what I say and people will love you, just as I do. You’ve practiced too hard to squander this opportunity. I expected this, so I brought a whole outfit for you. Let me get my suitcase.”
“I guess I wasn’t clear enough. I’m not going to change my clothes. Maybe I’d make it big if I listened to you. But trust me, doing it my way, as an individual, will make me a phenomenon.”
“Trust you? I’m the most successful manager in decades. I don't have to trust you. Please, just wait here and I’ll be right back.”
“Okay, waste your time if you want. I’m not going to wear it.”
“Why not?”
“Look at it, there’s a skull on your shirt. And there are spikes on your shoes… You think anyone would accept a piano player like that? You’re great at what you do, but everyone has to make a few small sacrifices to make it big. I want help you become greater than Mozart, but you need to take my advice. The concert is huge, so everything has to be just right.”
“Since when have I ever cared about what people thought about my clothes? Don’t you remember that’s how you discovered me? Need I tell you that a punk shirt like this and my gothic shoes are what made you want to listen to me in the first place? I came by your office, even though I knew you took no appointments. You laughed when you saw me, but you asked me to play because you thought I’d be a joke. But you were going crazy with enthusiasm after I played. You thought I was the future of music, thought that I was revolutionary. How can I become famous if I do what people have done for decades?”
“The masses are the masses, no matter what the market is. The masses can’t tolerate anything too different, you know that. I put up with your antics since I met you a year ago just so I can take you to this concert. Unless you wear a suit, tie and Italian designer shoes, people will think you’re just punk trash and immediately tune out your music. Conforming to a fashion style is a small price to pay, don’t make such a big deal. Just wear what I say and people will love you, just as I do. You’ve practiced too hard to squander this opportunity. I expected this, so I brought a whole outfit for you. Let me get my suitcase.”
“I guess I wasn’t clear enough. I’m not going to change my clothes. Maybe I’d make it big if I listened to you. But trust me, doing it my way, as an individual, will make me a phenomenon.”
“Trust you? I’m the most successful manager in decades. I don't have to trust you. Please, just wait here and I’ll be right back.”
“Okay, waste your time if you want. I’m not going to wear it.”
Colorization
Black, red, white. That’s it. Black, red, white.
What other colors do you need?
Everyone wants black, red, white.
Blue, yellow? Are you crazy? Those are different!
Orange, green? Now you’ve completely lost it.
Why would you need to stand out?
Black, red, white. It’s all you need to fit in.
What other colors do you need?
Everyone wants black, red, white.
Blue, yellow? Are you crazy? Those are different!
Orange, green? Now you’ve completely lost it.
Why would you need to stand out?
Black, red, white. It’s all you need to fit in.
December 12, 2009
Heart and Mind
Heart says no. Mind says no. I don’t understand it.
I guess it’s because Heart only felt frustration. He could never know anything. How could he possibly even desire what he never knew? Heart cannot know, he can only feel. He is always struggling to find happiness. He is eternally reaching in the dark. All he finds is more frustration. No matter where he reached, nothing could be grasped. Everything fell away. Heart could never hold onto what he found, even when he did find self-confidence. Anything he found was always falling back down into the darkness.
Or maybe it’s because Mind could never feel what he found. Everything felt like nothing. Mind cannot feel, he can only know. He’d find happiness and self-confidence all the time, but what could he do with it? Stumbling across these things never helped him live, they were always just there. The world is illuminated for Mind, but every moment is exactly like the previous moment. He could hold onto happiness forever, but no matter what he did, the happiness did nothing.
I don’t understand why Heart and Mind don’t get along. They fit each other so perfectly.
I guess it’s because Heart only felt frustration. He could never know anything. How could he possibly even desire what he never knew? Heart cannot know, he can only feel. He is always struggling to find happiness. He is eternally reaching in the dark. All he finds is more frustration. No matter where he reached, nothing could be grasped. Everything fell away. Heart could never hold onto what he found, even when he did find self-confidence. Anything he found was always falling back down into the darkness.
Or maybe it’s because Mind could never feel what he found. Everything felt like nothing. Mind cannot feel, he can only know. He’d find happiness and self-confidence all the time, but what could he do with it? Stumbling across these things never helped him live, they were always just there. The world is illuminated for Mind, but every moment is exactly like the previous moment. He could hold onto happiness forever, but no matter what he did, the happiness did nothing.
I don’t understand why Heart and Mind don’t get along. They fit each other so perfectly.
Suppressed
I don’t know why I didn’t do this before. All I can remember is a feeling of “don’t do that”. But now that I think about it, there was no reason. It was only a feeling. I knew in my mind that this was no good way to live. The subconscious no is almost always wrong. The conscious yes is almost always right. Suppressing ideas, what good is that? All it does is hinder my life. Life is meant to be lived, it is not meant to happen on its own. It cannot happen on its own.
December 11, 2009
Shot
It just happened and I don’t know why. He grabbed a gun and shot me. I don’t even know if it was a he, all I saw was the back of a jacket.
Maybe it’s my clothes, so pretty and shiny, purple and elegant… Maybe it’s because he wanted to take away my fame? I just don’t understand, all I did was live my life... I never hurt anyone. I never strayed away from those who meant the most to me.
I can’t speak. I can’t ask him. The blood is gushing from my neck with what was once the force of all of my passion for life. I used to feel great. I used to feel famous on the inside, an inner fame, but now it’s gone. Over. No more life. All I did was be happy, and now here I’m being destroyed. My mind. My heart. It is gone.
Maybe it’s my clothes, so pretty and shiny, purple and elegant… Maybe it’s because he wanted to take away my fame? I just don’t understand, all I did was live my life... I never hurt anyone. I never strayed away from those who meant the most to me.
I can’t speak. I can’t ask him. The blood is gushing from my neck with what was once the force of all of my passion for life. I used to feel great. I used to feel famous on the inside, an inner fame, but now it’s gone. Over. No more life. All I did was be happy, and now here I’m being destroyed. My mind. My heart. It is gone.
Expensive
Come on, you don’t mean to suggest that my Ferrari is bad because it’s expensive? I worked for this! And it makes me feel happy. Cars are my life, I design them because they make me feel alive. Fine, call me a narcissistic monster, but you’re just wrong. All my money goes into my work and passions, and they are my cars and my house. After all, these are the expressions of a personal style! Lots of other people love my cars too. It’s not wrong to feed your passions for life. Do you want to feel empty? I’m not a materialistic anti-intellectual. I’m a lover of the good life. Deprivation is only sadness…
Volume
Turn it up! Louder! I wanna hear it! I wanna feel it! I wanna live baby!
This is the best song I’ve heard in ages! Who is this? It just fills my heart with joy. It is great. The sound hits my ears, but then there’s this explosion of emotional and intellectual power. Oh I just can’t explain it. Just turn it up! I don’t care that there are people around. They’ll feel it too. It’s great. It’s the real life. It’s the famous life. I really can’t believe I’m saying these words! My life has been utterly revolutionized! My mind… I can’t explain it!
This is the moment. This is the new beginning. My own self has been rediscovered. I just need to turn up the volume of my heartbeat! The volume of my passions!
This is the best song I’ve heard in ages! Who is this? It just fills my heart with joy. It is great. The sound hits my ears, but then there’s this explosion of emotional and intellectual power. Oh I just can’t explain it. Just turn it up! I don’t care that there are people around. They’ll feel it too. It’s great. It’s the real life. It’s the famous life. I really can’t believe I’m saying these words! My life has been utterly revolutionized! My mind… I can’t explain it!
This is the moment. This is the new beginning. My own self has been rediscovered. I just need to turn up the volume of my heartbeat! The volume of my passions!
December 10, 2009
Inspiration Dead
He is dead. You just don’t get it. Wake up. Don’t be so naive. There are more people around, just find someone else to get inspiration from. He’s been making art for 80 years, it’s not like he was gonna live much longer. 6 billion people and there’s no one else? So just stop crying and get over yourself. You’re not that great, you’re not that special, you’re just a person. Just a person. Your art is art, it doesn’t require special inspiration. You just need to grab the brush, dip it in the paint, and move your hand across the canvas. That’s it. We’re all just people, regular people with all their own demons. Every human heart has an emotional hole, so live with it. Only a freakish monster would ever fill that void. The void is what makes us all human. Think about it, you’re normal now!
Zombie
I was walking across the street. Then I realized they were all zombies. It was always like this, I don’t know why I only just realized. Everyone around me has always been a zombie. Maybe I was always a zombie too. But now I’m no longer a zombie.
It seems so clear! But no one else realizes! I just realized there’s something called life. It’s actually pretty good, I always thought it was bad. I mean, I wasn’t ever supposed to reach for what I wanted. It would only hurt me in the end they said, since we’d just die. Really the best anyone could do was make the end hurt less. If there’s no life, there is no pain. If there is no pain, then you are liberated of the prison that is feeling. I was told this when I was little, so I believed it. Then they injected me, so I wouldn’t age, wouldn’t feel, wouldn’t want, wouldn’t desire. Then there was nothing.
I accidentally stepped in the sun, someone walked into me. I started to feel. I realized the sun renews life. I didn’t want to be alive, it sounded scary. How could I fix it? I didn’t need to fix it though. This didn’t hurt at all. I felt. Life felt happy. It was good. Maybe I actually just turned into a monster that is a feeling human. A freak. Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m alive and that is that. So I’ll just dance in the street for a while. Or maybe I’ll just push some more people into the sun…
It seems so clear! But no one else realizes! I just realized there’s something called life. It’s actually pretty good, I always thought it was bad. I mean, I wasn’t ever supposed to reach for what I wanted. It would only hurt me in the end they said, since we’d just die. Really the best anyone could do was make the end hurt less. If there’s no life, there is no pain. If there is no pain, then you are liberated of the prison that is feeling. I was told this when I was little, so I believed it. Then they injected me, so I wouldn’t age, wouldn’t feel, wouldn’t want, wouldn’t desire. Then there was nothing.
I accidentally stepped in the sun, someone walked into me. I started to feel. I realized the sun renews life. I didn’t want to be alive, it sounded scary. How could I fix it? I didn’t need to fix it though. This didn’t hurt at all. I felt. Life felt happy. It was good. Maybe I actually just turned into a monster that is a feeling human. A freak. Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m alive and that is that. So I’ll just dance in the street for a while. Or maybe I’ll just push some more people into the sun…
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